Dear Diary ...

Dear Diary

Yes, I know, it’s been too long. Sorry. I just had the urge to talk to you again after this crazy week at school. VCE!!! Is it that important? Really? People think that because I am at MacRob, it is easy … that is nonsense, isn’t it? I love Macrob … but I hate it. Not really. That sounds stupid. I love it, I think. MacRob, it’s special … but it can hurt me, a lot. People think it must be easy for me. Easy? I long for those days of ‘easy’. And my parents think that as well. And my grandparents … and all their friends. Talk about pressure. Not good. Am I coping? I look around and see everyone, including my friends, and they seem to be OK. Are they? Is it a lie? Are they faking? Are they OK and I’m just not up to it? Am I a fraud? Some of them laugh ... but I don’t, well not as much as I used to. They must be stronger than me. Are they? I thought it would be OK. In year 10, I was good, very good … and confident. I could do it all easily … and I slept better. But … more SACs next week and I have not prepared with other things happening. So many other things, things that I like to do, but I do not have the time to prepare the way I want to, or should. And I want to do things very well. That’s me. I get sick of the desk and the study and the expectations. Escape. Escape .. please, take me away. Is this what life is all about? I hope not. Should I try to re-schedule? No, I will face it. I am good, but I know that I am better if the speed is slower and I have more time. Just 6 school weeks to go they say. No. That is not good. Exams as well. Not just SACs now. Turn up the pressure? More? You are kidding? I need more time. Please slow down. I am not a machine. I am a person. And I think I am a good person. Yes, the term 3 holidays are coming … but I doubt I can catch up in those 2 weeks. I need to sleep. Perhaps I can catch up? I have done that before. Successfully. Too many demands on my time. Go away .. please. Go away. Please be a dream and go away. But you will not. Time, you are relentless and persistent: why don’t you just go away … please. Sounds like I am doubting myself. Again. I do sometimes. That’s not a self confident person … and I thought I was! The system is getting to me. But perhaps it will be better tomorrow. Of course, it will, won’t it? I am always in ‘catch-up mode’ … and I want to be ahead … just like I used to be in year 10 & 11 … can I go back to those years please? That would be easier. But it should be better tomorrow. Diary, it will be better tomorrow. I promise.